10 Things Not to Say to ANYONE EVER. The End.

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In the past few months I’ve read countless internet articles with titles that began “Ten Things Not To Say To _____”. Adoptive parents, parents with biracial children, homeschoolers, pregnant women, a woman, a transgendered person, single people, divorced people, little girls, teenage boys, breastfeeding moms, formula feeding moms,black people, asian people, parents of autistic children, dog owners, Bronies, shall I go on?

Thing is, I’m growing weary. While I consider myself to be an intelligent, considerate, and open minded individual, it’s getting hard to keep up. I’ve got a revolutionary idea. HOW ABOUT EVERYONE JUST NOT BE A DICK?

Since every single niche group seems to be covered, but I hate to miss out on all the fun, I offer the definitive list of…

10 THINGS YOU JUST SHOULD NOT SAY TO ANYONE EVER

  1. Your dad is hot. Hope that shirt isn’t dry clean only SINCE IT NOW HAS MY VOMIT ALL OVER IT.
  2. Have you ever considered a nose job? Have you? Because if you ask me that again, you’d better hope you’ve got a cosmetic surgeon on speed dial.
  3. Breaking Bad sucks. You’re dead to me.
  4. Oh, this monocle I’m wearing? Didn’t you hear they’re making a comeback? Listen, Mr. Peanut. I don’t care if you’ve tired of the cost of mustache wax and are looking for the next big thing in hipster douchebaggery JUST STOP.
  5. You’d be more attractive if _____. GFY. I’m not Ally Sheedy and this isn’t the Breakfast Club.
  6. Your baby looks like Chris Farley. I love babies. I love Chris Farley. I even love babies that look like Chris Farley. In this situation either the parent already knows and does not need outside confirmation, or in ten years they will be looking at photos and it will all come CRASHING DOWN.
  7. Would you like to watch this video of my baby’s birth? NO. NO FOREVER. There’s no video of mine for a good god damn reason and that’s because IT’S HORRIFYING.
  8. Sorry I’m late. My kid barfed all over me as I was leaving. YOU ARE THE REASON PEOPLE HATE PARENTS. EVEN PEOPLE WHO ARE PARENTS.
  9. Thanks for waiting for me at this super busy restaurant and holding a table while I dragged ass. I’ll just have a water. My hatred for you knows no bounds. You’d better get hungry or I’ll be eating my dinner under the table so no one knows I’m with you, you inconsiderate ass bag.
  10. Are you pregnant? The MOTHER OF ALL MISTAKES. Unless there is a slimy, screaming ball of flesh WAVING AT YOU from the woman’s vagina DO NOT ASK THIS QUESTION. And even then. Think twice. Think like 75 times before you even open your stupid, stupid maw.

There you have it. Sort of like the Ten Commandments. But not.

Anything I missed? Chime in!

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This “what in the actual fuck” look has been perfected by raising children. The need for its use is obviously unending.

amateur comedian, professional bullshitter. will take pay in baked goods once already rich.

  • Elisa Freeman

    Love it! And my contribution is that my mom always told me never to start a sentence with, “No offense, but…” Because you are 100% about to offend someone.

  • ashpeep

    HAHAHAAH oh my god.. #10 I spit my drink out! I think you hit all of them!

  • megnstarr

    That expression looks familiar…Josie is your twin!

    • OddlyWellAdjusted

      Seriously, i never made that face before i had kids.