An archive of arguments with my son and why I can’t win

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On the weather at 6:

“You’re going to need another layer this morning. It’s cold. Grab your vest.”

“No, it’s not. I’m fine.”

“You haven’t even been outside today. Trust me.”

“It’s not cold. I’m a the weather man in a kid suit. I KNOW.”


On the first day of second grade:

“Go brush your teeth. You can’t start the year with the breath of a dead man.”

“Dead men have no breath. THAT’S HOW SOME OF THEM DIED.”


Vintage teeth brushing argument at age 4:

“my belly is not happy because you made me brush my teeth too early and gave me too much toothpaste.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s too late for sorry.”


First forays into sass, age 4:

“Hop into bed!”

“I’m not going to listen to you.”

“Excuse me??”

“Actually, I am going to get into bed. I like to joke.”


I’d been looking for this description my whole life, age 5:

“Can you please stop stomping?”

“But Mommy, I can’t. I sat on the toilet for so long that my feet feel like they have glitter in them.”

“As you were.”


I wish I were as powerful as he thinks, age 5:

“Dude, you are going to hit yourself in the face with that.”

“No I’m not.”


“OW! You made me hit myself !”

“No I didn’t! I was just sitting here talking to you!”

“You made me do it! It was the power of talking!”

8 years so far perfecting his craft.

8 years so far perfecting his craft.

The final answer, realized at age 5:

Me: “That freaks me out.”

Him: “I think it’s funny.”

Me: “Well, I think it’s freaky!”

Him: “Yeah? Well you smell like beef.”

amateur comedian, professional bullshitter. will take pay in baked goods once already rich.

  • Betsey

    Hilarious (as always)!

  • Heather.

    “I like to joke.” DEAD.

    • OddlyWellAdjusted

      I poured over my collection of gems from this kid and laughed myself silly.