Without context, many snippets of the exchanges between myself and my children suggest I’m raising drunken leprechaun terrorists. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard words come out of my mouth and as they swirl around my head, thought “no one in the history of the english language has ever strung those words together. Also, did someone put weed in these cookies?”. Here’s a sampling.
“I don’t think that keychain belongs on your penis.” I know I’ve spent exactly zero seconds of my life living as a boy, but jesus. DOES THIS WARRANT TEACHING? I would expect that through evolution, dudes would come equipped to naturally practice a little self preservation in the twig and berries department. Yet from birth they seem hell bent on manipulating it until it’s four and a half feet long. Ohhhhhhhhhh. Right. Now I get it.
“No one is going to want to be friends with the kid whose hands smell like his butt.” I’m all about instilling the virtues of basic hygiene in my children. These are habits that stay with them for a lifetime. Teeth brushing, body washing, making sure to scrub behind the ears, hair brushing (well, hair MAINTAINING as it is in our house). All those important lessons, I’m with it. But having to point a kid in the direction of the nearest sink because they crammed their hands directly into their ass crack and have ABSOLUTELY NO GROUNDS ON WHICH TO ARGUE because, well, you have a NOSE, I’ve got nothing.
“Please don’t wear oven mitts and try to pick up the cat.” While I applaud this innovation (that cat was a shitbag), it’s just a poor choice all around. Also, you’re going to get fur in our food and that’s just disgusting.
“You absolutely may NOT pee in that iced tea bottle just to practice for an emergency.” I had a roommate once whose parents obviously never put these words together. I can never look at Snapple the same way again.
“It is not humanly possible to flap your arms fast enough to fly. Now get off the shed roof.” Maybe I haven’t spent enough time at Frat Houses, but I can’t believe I had to impart this knowledge on a person I actually MADE.
“I’m sorry. There is no way for me to carry you without ACTUALLY TOUCHING YOU.” I’m your mother. What you’re looking for is a poltergeist. So either I carry you with my arms that will in fact be touching you, or GET WALKING, SISTER.
“Underpants are not appropriate head coverage for winter weather. Or ever, actually.” There would be no fashion industry if no one were willing to take risks, but when it comes down to it, this choice is just not practical. For one, the fabric is flimsy and provides little insulation against the chill. Secondly, the leg holes are positioned as such that the tops of the ears actually stick out, thus rendering the garment completely useless. But 2 year old who has thrust herself to the floor in a valiant protest, I salute you. I bet Betsey Johnson did that once or twice. Your day will come.