My children make me sound insane

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Without context, many snippets of the exchanges between myself and my children suggest I’m raising drunken leprechaun terrorists. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard words come out of my mouth and as they swirl around my head, thought “no one in the history of the english language has ever strung those words together. Also, did someone put weed in these cookies?”. Here’s a sampling.

“I don’t think that keychain belongs on your penis.” I know I’ve spent exactly zero seconds of my life living as a boy, but jesus. DOES THIS WARRANT TEACHING? I would expect that through evolution, dudes would come equipped to naturally practice a little self preservation in the twig and berries department. Yet from birth they seem hell bent on manipulating it until it’s four and a half feet long. Ohhhhhhhhhh. Right. Now I get it.

“No one is going to want to be friends with the kid whose hands smell like his butt.” I’m all about instilling the virtues of basic hygiene in my children. These are habits that stay with them for a lifetime. Teeth brushing, body washing, making sure to scrub behind the ears, hair brushing (well, hair MAINTAINING as it is in our house). All those important lessons, I’m with it. But having to point a kid in the direction of the nearest sink because they crammed their hands directly into their ass crack and have ABSOLUTELY NO GROUNDS ON WHICH TO ARGUE because, well, you have a NOSE, I’ve got nothing.

“Please don’t wear oven mitts and try to pick up the cat.” While I applaud this innovation (that cat was a shitbag), it’s just a poor choice all around. Also, you’re going to get fur in our food and that’s just disgusting.

Yeah, girlfriend. I'm going to need more coffee.

Yeah, girlfriend. I’m going to need more coffee.

“You absolutely may NOT pee in that iced tea bottle just to practice for an emergency.” I had a roommate once whose parents obviously never put these words together. I can never look at Snapple the same way again.

“It is not humanly possible to flap your arms fast enough to fly. Now get off the shed roof.” Maybe I haven’t spent enough time at Frat Houses, but I can’t believe I had to impart this knowledge on a person I actually MADE.

I suppose if anyone could fly, it would be him, but I digress.

I suppose if anyone could fly, it would be him, but I digress.

“I’m sorry. There is no way for me to carry you without ACTUALLY TOUCHING YOU.” I’m your mother. What you’re looking for is a poltergeist. So either I carry you with my arms that will in fact be touching you, or GET WALKING, SISTER.

“Underpants are not appropriate head coverage for winter weather. Or ever, actually.” There would be no fashion industry if no one were willing to take risks, but when it comes down to it, this choice is just not practical. For one, the fabric is flimsy and provides little insulation against the chill. Secondly, the leg holes are positioned as such that the tops of the ears actually stick out, thus rendering the garment completely useless. But 2 year old who has thrust herself to the floor in a valiant protest, I salute you. I bet Betsey Johnson did that once or twice. Your day will come.

 ”Yes, that would be cool if Michael Jackson came back from the dead and danced at your school talent show.” HOLY SHIT. THERE WAS WEED IN THOSE COOKIES.


Seriously, people. You're lunatics.

Seriously, people. You’re lunatics.

amateur comedian, professional bullshitter. will take pay in baked goods once already rich.

  • Robin Hoffman

    Thank you, thank you. That made me laugh out loud. I know I’ve said many similar things to my kids – the butt crack one in particular rings a bell. If Michael Jackson does show up at their talent show, let me know. I’ll drive to Vermont for that! (Just so you know how far your blog travels – a friend of mine in Ghana told me about your writing.)

    • OddlyWellAdjusted

      If MJ did come, I wouldn’t even sit in the back pretending to dig my eyes out with rusty spoons by the 12th Katy Perry cover.
      Ghana?! That just made my day. Thanks so much for sharing that craziness!

  • Robin Hoffman

    Keep writing. You are the funniest blogger I’ve ever read.

    • OddlyWellAdjusted

      You’re really pretty and I hope you win the lottery.

      • OddlyWellAdjusted

        Thank you so much.

      • Robin Hoffman

        Me too (win the lottery!). Although, I may have to play first. If I do win, I’ll publish your first book!

  • Teal Doggett

    Glad to see the butt crack is not just my kid. How can he stand to be near those hands? I can smell them from across the room.

  • andrewcary11

    Was the Keychain on the penis for decoration, or was he just looking for a safe place to keep his keys??

  • K8

    Ha! Great post, as always. Just yesterday my 8-yr-old asked if he could pee on the deck because technically it was outside–I told him bushes or toilet were his choices, but nice try. On Monday (when we had the ‘hot’ weather) he complained about the heat walking home from school and I told him he could take off his shirt, because boys were allowed to walk around shirtless. ‘Wow, boys are lucky,’ he says. Damn straight, that’s why boys need to be courteous to girls…we can’t point and piss and we have to wear shirts in public, enough said!